Unbroken

Pardon the mess.
and I mean me.
I am busy learning
how to heal from
being broken by
you trying to fix
what wasn’t broken
but was different.
It didn’t’ fit so push
pry, chop, mash
squeeze and tape.

Pardon the messy
and I mean me.
I am busy learning
how to love who I am.
Not who I was supposed
to be, or how I was
supposed to be.

Pardon the tears.
I am using salt and water
to cleanse wounds
and old scars.

Pardon the burnt timbers.
some bridges just are
made to be burnt.
I will draw new dreams
in ashes and tears
across my arms and chest.

Pardon the frustration.
would it be easier if I was
quieter, or maybe angry?
Quiet you can ignore.
Anger you can get mad about.
I am just figuring out
a lifetime of crossed wires
and mixed signals.
Coded messages I couldn’t
crack because they were
a language, not a code.

Pardon the rambling.
Some things are not
made to be put away
neat and tidy in a box.
I know you are uncomfortable.
I won’t stop healing
but you can have a nap.
The easy things you’ll see
the hard work – no.

Pardon the acceptance.
I won’t be less for you
to feel like you are more.
I won’t hide the scars.
They prove I made it out.
I honour them now.

Pardon the mess.
I am busy trying to
heal what was broken
while you were trying to
fix what wasn’t broken
in the first place.

Doing deep work in therapy. Finding my way. It is helping. And it is exhausting.

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Welcome To Scar Clan

Welcome to Scar Clan, where the survivors come.

We are the ones in the shadows, quiet, leaning in.

We are the ones with knotty scars and bruises.

The ones who don’t have a platform, a brand.

No slick show, no sponsors just a quiet strength.

The kind that comes from walking wounded

in a world that doesn’t want to see messy pain.

The kind that comes from looking into the darkness

and not flinching when it gazes back at you.

We have a story to tell, and we do, but quietly.

With determination, with a rough grace.

You won’t see us being sought after for a show.

No big events, no TedTalks or even YouTube.

Just quietly sitting with the wounded, walking

one another home through the mud, the blood,

the dust, the pain, the hope and the gritty joy.

I see their grand shows, and see the love.

I hear the story of another lost, assumed to be

‘tired’ but really just losing the battle with

the darkness that pulls and pulls us in.

They say ‘reach out’ and ‘get help’.

The hardest thing to do is find another

who has battled the darkness who can

understand when you say, “I am tired.”

And know it isn’t sleep, or rest you need.

Not retail therapy, or a new oily blend.

Not a pep talk of ‘it’s not that bad, you have

so much to be thankful for. Why are you….?’

We need a shadow dweller who leans in.

Who nods and says, “The darkness lies.”

And says it is okay to be totally, really

just ‘not okay’ for now, for this hour. For today.

Those warriors who know that those

fighting the darkness need to be sought.

They need to be fought for. When it is

uncomfortable. And hard. And ugly.

Don’t ask for our story so you can revel in

our pain, so you can touch our scars.

Ask for our story so you will know you are

safe in sharing your own. Showing your scars.

The scars tell you some thing important.

They say you survived. Changed to be sure.

But you are here, but warrior you made it.

The hardest battles are fought alone,

against an insidious darkness that lies.

It tells us all the tales of our failure, our

worthlessness, our shame. It confuses us.

Tricks us, wears us down, gives no quarter.

It hates that we didn’t quit. It hates that we live.

We can stand back to back in the darkness.

We can shine bright weapons of hope.

We can lightly touch scars and feel alive.

Together. We can.

 

There are some who share brightly and loudly on big stages their victory over the struggles of mental illness, anxiety, PTSD, of surviving trauma and good for them. But behind the glare of those lights are people struggling in the darkness that can’t reach out, that are calling in sick, saying they are tired. Don’t expect those fighting the biggest battles of their lives to have the strength or hope to reach out. Reach out to them. Find them. Don’t accept ‘fine or ‘busy’ or ‘tired’ as answer. Even on line we know when someone is absent, posting something darker than usual, our encourager is quiet, or critical. When your instincts are saying something is wrong, reach out. Don’t be afraid. There isn’t anything to fear. The darkness isn’t hunting you, it’s hunting them. And they are alone, tired and needing someone to fight for them. We won’t win every battle but no one should be lost without a fight.

 

My inbox is always open, my DM on any social channel. There isn’t anything the darkness lies to you about that will make me leave you to fight it alone. Together we can stand, as survivors and members of Scar Clan.

There are a lot of resources and tools online to help you help someone. Being present and being persistent is so important. Don’t think that because you don’t have a big, public platform that you can’t help – you may never know who you help by being there. Just a hug, a coffee, a call or a text. A wave or a hello. The small things are the biggest things after all!